I view this journey in my life like climbing a mountain. (I know real original right?) The difference is my mountain is made of sand. I climb and I slide, climb and slide. Hoping one day I will make it to the top. My journey doesn’t go up quickly. You see, as I climb and slide and climb and slide the sand packs and gets a little more stable. The sliding happens less and less but it’s still sand it still happens from time to time. I still have a whole mountain ahead of me. My mountain is a slow journey. The sand is lessons I have yet to learn. I am eager and full of hope. I know when I reach the top I will see my son again but for now I am still enjoying the incredible view of all that is around me.
8 days until we should be celebrating our beautiful boy’s first birthday. I am not sure how that day is going to effect me. I am nervous. I sense that I will relive his birth over and over. I am pretty sure I will be useless to the world. I will go through every emotion I have in this last year in one day and then I will end it in a way that honors him…and gives his big sister an excuse to eat cake. Who wants to babysit for a few hours while Mommy jumps on an emotional roller coaster for a couple of hours?
One thing I will always remain sure of. I will never for a moment in my life wish it didn’t happen. I can’t fathom what my life would be without him being a part of it. I will have my moment and let my self weep for my loss but I will never deny the gain. This is the biggest milestone yet. Year one. I have had time to grieve and now its time to reflect and decide what to do with the lesson’s God has taught me. For now I will write.
When I first started this journey I thought that it would only get better day by day and while that is partly true it has taken me almost a year to begin to realize the full extent of this unexpected joy.
“Unexpected joy” …not words many would expect to find when referring to an outcome from a tragic event such as the death of my son. However, tragedy is not how I would describe it. God’s path to the true longings of my soul would be more appropriate. Please do not misunderstand, I miss my son with everything I have. In my perfect world I would learn the lessons that God saw fit with him in my arms but my version of the perfect world is by far inferior to that of the Lord’s.
I knew from the day I lost my son the basics of God’s intentions. I can’t give you details and some days it doesn’t make sense to me but I can tell you this above every other feeling; the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the love, the confusion on the day my son was born stillborn I wanted nothing more than I wanted to be wrapped in God’s arms. What I didn’t know and am just now starting to realize is that he has never let me go.
Today, just 10 days away from the one year anniversary of my son’s birth and death a friend came to me and gave me a book. It is titled “Shattered Dreams” by Larry Crabb. I will not go into the sweet sentiment that came along with it but I will tell you it touched my heart in a way that ignited my need share what this experience has been to me.
I have read one chapter in Mr. Crabb’s book and the only reason I put it down was because I felt the need to get some words out of my head before I forgot them. I almost feel that I could rewrite his whole chapter with conviction because I have lived it. 3 things stuck out to me while reading. 1.) “Our shattered dreams are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story” 2.) God allows our suffering because it is the only way to get us to break down our walls enough to lead us to the depths of our soul and realize our strongest passions. 3.) Our strongest passion is a direct encounter with God. We just don’t realize it.
I am excited to continue to read this book and hope to share my experiences with you.
With this new blog I have many hopes. First, as we come up on this one year mark I thought it would be good to reflect on the journey I have been on. I think that looking back at some of my previous feelings and thoughts (mostly from my previous blog) and reflecting on what God may have been trying to teach me is going to be a big part of my healing and journey. Afterall, the journey just started and I have a lot of ground to cover.
I would also like to share new thoughts and feelings. I am now carrying my 3rd child and there are a lot of emotions and thoughts that come with that as well.
I have big hopes and dreams for this but put quiet simply I write in hopes that God may use me to help someone else in whatever way he deems fit. However, if I am being brutally honest with myself…and you for that matter, I have a tendency not to finish what I start when it comes to my writing. So I hope to learn from this as well and better myself.
I ask this of you. If you know of a bible verse that you think relates to an article I write …or even if you just want to share it with me, please do. I think it would be a wonderful way to be introduced to all the bible has to offer.
I am not going to set any boundaries with this blog or say it is about one thing in particular. No restrictions. I just wish to live in the now and revel in the unexpected joys of life.